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Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in ambulanceex's LiveJournal:

Sunday, May 20th, 2007
2:43 am
lol i hate livejournal
I read everyone elses journals but i never write in mine. I'm a lamer.

So i figure i'll stop being lazy, format the damn thing, and start posting.

w0rdz homes.
Thursday, October 19th, 2006
4:13 am
Package soon!!
So, i should be getting my ITS package soon *super excited*

I also think i am going to sell my other petti, seeing as i dont use it/don't like the metal rings. blahbalh.

lost 5 pounds yesterday. yay, for serious.

I know all of this is worth it.
Wednesday, October 18th, 2006
3:18 am
Confused
I hate how stubborn i am.

Everybite of food i take i feel so guilty. So to avoid this i hike up the meds. Don't eat. Keep thinking about the scale.

everytime i think i found a quiet space in which to think, the numbers come.

How much do i weigh? what do i want to weigh? How many calories have i eaten? Fat grams? Carbs? Sugar? Fiber? How much is that sandwhich/drink/cake/cookie/ect. How many calories did i burn today? How many minutes did i excersize? What will the scale say tomorrow. How many oz. of water have i had? Coffee?

and over and over and over.

Not to mention right now i have 3 journals to log. I can't seem to keep everything in the same place in fear of getting caught, jason stopping me.

Today i've eaten about 797 calories, burned 288 at my walk. Blahblahblah.

All of the charts. calculators. pictures. rituals. god damn it. and i missed my psyche appointment again.
next semester i think i might drop out of university. I dont like it. In fact, i HATE it. maybe just take one class, maybe 2. i dont know.

I have been living with this voice in my head since elementary school. Always telling me what to do. Always fighting for control. Who knows right now.

Maybe i'll just do this long enough to go back to Richard Young (the hospital) or something. I always liked it there.
Monday, October 16th, 2006
8:17 pm
New lolita website
So, as some of you might already know, i am working on a new website for lolis. Since i want it to be a one stop shop, it is taking me FOREVER. That and i just set myself back 2 or 3 days because i renamed all of the files and now NONE of the links or pictures work. gaaaah.

I'm thinking that it is going to take a few months to put everything together, and get all the permission from the authors and what not.

Also, i SUCK at making weblayouts, so it is SUPER ugly right now. I am hoping to get a basic layout down, fill in all the content, and then go back through and redo the layout. Maybe i will find someone who can do it for me (LOL).

Anywhos, what it will contain is

Intro
-what is lolita
- what is not lolita
- lolita do and dont's
-Subgenres
-General Help (how do i build a wardobe/coordinate an outfit)

History
-Influences (a page for rococo, a page for victorian era, page for edwardian, page for japanese, ect)
-Timeline
-Cultural info

Shopping
-List of shops (all brand, non brand, and semi-loli related will be included)
-Where to buy/how to buy
-Seamstresses/people who will take commissions
-Lolita on a budget

Reviews
-My own personal reviews
-Links to other reviews online

Tutorials
-DIY clothes
-Jewelry how to
-Nail how to
-hair how to
-make up how to
-Accessory how to
-other general tutorials

Lifestyle
-Loli hobbies
-Manners
-Quotes
-General lolita articles

Media
-Lolita Music - (jrock and bands who wear lolita)
-Videos of lolita

Gallery
-Gallery of good lolita
-Gallery of bad lolita
-Links to magazine scans

Communities
-LJ communities
-Yahoo communities
-MSN communities
-My space communities
-Other general loli communities/Japanese street fashion groups

Links
-Stores
-articles
-egl memories
-lolita database
-General information not otherwise stated in the rest of the site
-Personal links (things i think everyone should read/though not DIRECTLY loli related)

Contact
-ways to get in touch with me to fix anything/add anything/put you on the commission list

Copyright
- cover my back legally, explain the credit process
-credits

I'm also thinking of putting up an interview page, just asking people some general questions like
when did you start?
how did you find loli?
What type of lolit are you?
What is your favorite brand?
Where do you buy most of your clothes?
What do you think every beginning loli should know?
About you?
ect,ect,ect

So, if anyone has any other input that would be great. Yet again, it is gonna take some time before i am comfortable enough with the layout to advertise it to all the communities. But if you want to see an informal version of it just check it out at:

www.geocities.com/letigresx/enter.html

i am waiting for my domain (royaltea.vze.com) to get approved.
Saturday, October 14th, 2006
4:53 am
Got F+F finally
So I got my F+F order this week.

The s/s blouse is BEAUTIFUL, but the long sleeve one seems off to me, i guess i didnt realize how much lace was on it. it is a bit overdone, but whatever.
Also, both blouses are a bit tight in the bust. =(  and i KNOW i measured that right, but whatever.

The full pink ruffled skirt is GORGEOUS. I don't like the ribbons on it, but whatever.

The Pink jumper skirt however x_x the straps are WAAAAY to long, and the waist is too tight. It is also VERY short. x_X. I am a bit dissapointed with it.

Also, the petticoat i bought from them is a pain in the ass, it is one of the hoopskirt ones, and it is SOOO big it wont fit under ANYTHING. I know i can resize it, but when i try, it only goes down a bit and then it looks kind of lopsided. god. I need my ITS petti soon!!

Hopefully with the ITS petti and some bloomers they will look alot better. aaagh.

I can't wait for this next batch of stuff to come in!!

Also, as far as the website, i'm working on it pretty intensively right now (hard to tell, nothing is up haaa). I HATE the layout, but oh well. I was a bit dissapointed (hah) that the Lolita_handbook LJ was made, as it is pretty similar to what i was aiming for (though mine will be ALOT more indepth) Oh well, the more the merrier right? (I'd post a link, but my domain isnt approved yet...gah)

---

In non-loli news. Well. I dont know. My scholarship money got messed up somehow, and the school is saying i owe 500. And so they have a hold on my account and i cant drop the (math) class i need to drop.

I started taking my meds, i'm not preggo, and well. I dont know.

I'm feeling some bizarre mood swings. I was SO hyped today, and then i come home. and crash. I need to just hold my head up.

I am also starting to get into my art again. I havent drawn or written in SO long. Maybe i can work and get something published.
I dont care what anyone says, sylvia plath with always be my hero and inspiration. I just hope i dont end up like her. So desperate for help, with my head in an oven.

Who knows, maybe i'll be as good as her (LOL.) I was always the star of the 'writing' scene at school. Did a few performances in the library, Who knows how many readings i did in different classes. It was ALOT. I was very active in creative writing (I was pumping out 20 unfinished poems a day, maybe one really polished one a every two weeks)

Eh, but i still was never at that level. Just because you can outright a few 12th graders doesnt really make you shakespear. Who knows.

But that is that, is that, is that.
Thursday, October 12th, 2006
3:15 am
Thisis a highly personal rant, and if you don't want to read it don't. I don't really care. but i need to get it out.
---

Sometimes I get to tired of grappling with this disorder. I am so sick of having to constantly count pills and milligrams.

I get so sick of worrying, crying, dissolving into a blubbering mass of ignorance. I am so sick of all of my stupid rituals and secrets and feelings. I'm sick of the appointments. I'm sick of the dependency on everyone around me. I'm so sick of just being part of this complicated web.

I hate the fact that i can't sleep without pills. I hate that i can't think. I have that i always feel akward, like i am not good enough. I hate that I'm so nervous.

I hate having to try so hard to get somewhere that everyone else can just blink and eye and be at. I hate that i am gone from the house 14 hours a day.

Sometimes i am so tired of looking over my shoulder, around the corner, worrying that  he will be there. I hate explaining to people that my real mother put me up for adoption when i was 14 years old. Like I was a dog she got tired of. I hate that i look just like her.

I hate that i look just god damn like her.


I hate how everyone has trivialized cutting and anorexia. I never did it for attention. I never did it to be pretty or popular. I never did it to show off. I never did it to hurt myself. all i wanted was control.

No one understands how hard it is to sit there and obsess over numbers. to stand in front of a mirror naked and just pinch skin and cry. to get on the scale 5 times a day, to wake up thinking of blinking numbers. To sit through my slideshows of models, actresses, skinny beautiful girls. bones.

I've spent my time in the psyche ward. Plastic couches, needles, diets, charts, videos, tutors, doctors. the papers.

How happy do you feel
1 2 3 4  5 6 7 8 9 10

How suicidal do you feel
1 2 3 4  5 6 7 8 9 10

... the friends you make behind those doors, playing bingo with the geriatric patients was the best part of the week. but you arent allowed to speak outside. On the day i was adopted i saw my best friend from there crying in the waiting room. we both knew who the other was. But we didnt say a word.

The scars that don't heal, the people who always ask. They know the answer, but feel the need to put you on the spot.
a cat scratched me. i fell down. Accident at work.

Then the hours everyweek, 'exploring your options' with the therapists. I hate how every time they let me go, i run right back.

I hate the fact that i can't say no. that i'm never strong enough.

I hate that i have 11 sisters who don't know me. I just dont fucking care anymore. I've stopped taking my pills.

the birthcontrol. the seroquel. the celexa. everything. I'm scared i'm pregnant. I keep dreaming about babies. I leave them in the car, in the snow, alone. I hur them, but never on purpose. i just...forget. I dont know what i would do. I can't take care of anything, that is all i need. (but when i took the preg test and the negative came back, i was still so dissapointed?).

I hate that my dad had a heart attack. My adopted dad, the only man who has ever cared about me (that is still alive). I hate that my real dad is an asshole. I hate that he could have had me but decided that selling coke was easier. There is a buzzing in my head that won't stop. I see him in my dreams sometimes. The day that he suprised me for my birthday at my foster home. He wore a green bag over his head.

I am so scared. I don't know what i'm doing. I cant stop crying. I dont know what to do.  Fuck every diagnosis they give me. I'm not crazy. I'm not fucking crazy!  but yet, i do things just to see if they send me back to emanuel, to richard youngs, to midlands. anywhere with a bed and silence. How many time can i attempt to kill myself before i succeed? I want to run away. Just put on some shoes and walk out into the traffic. white lights. and just sleep. I'm so tired.

You don't learn these things, kids. That dizzy feeling. Burning in your chest. Jokes cover alot up though, right?

I take a razor, make a threat, and jason takes 30 units of insulin. So we die together, which isnt what I want.

Believe it or not, they let me live on my own like this. constantly tripping up. and i try. I dont drink. I dont do drugs. I dont party all night. I sit at home, read online. try and grasp some semblance of reality. try to stop being such a spoiled little twat.

They tell you people can't take your dignity. your self respect. that is the biggest fucking lie i've ever heard.

As much as the dr west tells me this is hormonal. this is genetic, i don't believe it. HE MADE ME THIS WAY. I was in 3rd grade when he started touching me. five years until i snapped. and you know what, if my 'mother' wasnt there, he wouldnt be around anymore. I put up with it. I tried. I did my best. I thought it was okay for awhile. Then it was my fault. but he touched chelsea. and it was over,. I heard her cry out. But what could i do? ... i dont know anymore. and you know what....he didnt go to jail....the DA didnt press charges....hes walkin around scott free. and here i am. stuck. fuck it.

And yet i come crawling back to religious at every chance. I dont know what to do. prey? to what? for what? to stop all this. to forget? I dont know if i want to forget. Then i'd have nothing to cling to. nothing to turn to when its quiet in the car.

I play games. try to remember every detail of the house. the furniture. walls. tiles, photos, textures. tastes, smells, the windows, the weather. the sizes, the distances. my mother in the kitchen. the dirty dishes everywhere. my sisters room smelled like piss all the time. i never spoke. he was always drunk, she was always stoned. josh was always so god damn happy and care free, while his dad is in the basement getting loaded. locking himself in his closet of a room. they slept in seperate rooms only a week after they got married.

I don't know where i am going with all this.
I'll probably delete it.
I dont know. It's so hard to define family. i have one now. A mom and dad, sisters, aunts, uncles, grandmas...

sure i'm adopted, but we fit together. we make sense. i love them, but i feel seperate. I cant stop thinking that they forget about me. I moved out the weekend i graduated highschool, got an apt, started college, work full time. Try to sleep between it all.

I feel the need to throw up.
to just laydown on the tile floor, my head next  to the toilet and sleep. no bed. i dont know.

i have come to the point where i cant cry anymore. I think i'll find a way out of math, and back into the hospital bed. I need room to breathe and think, before i do it all over again.

There is always an up and a down, i guess it's up to me.

Sunday, October 8th, 2006
2:59 am
So i went on my normal payday shopping spree. I really wish my extra 800 dollar a month checks would come in so i could buy more x_x

yaaaa.

anywho.

I got:

The poof petticoat (on the Left) in white

 ^^ THIS ONE

Poplin bo peep bloomers, white with white lace




Pink rocking horse shoes from Ling lam


(yet again, in pink,  not black!)

A pink bunny bonnet, too cute!!


Pink with white lace <3333

This brown jumper skirt (didnt get the blouse in the picture however)

I dont know why, but it is so gorgeous x_x

I got this ring in clear stones, but for some reason, right after i bought them the picture dissapeared of the site =(

Yet again, not in blue x_x

I also got a pair of Brown knee high socks with beautiful floral pattern on them at target (no picture :P)

and the other day i picked up these cute boots at walmart (shut up they are cute!)





Besides all of that, life sucks. my dad is upset i havent come to visit him, and my mom is UBER pissed, and calls to wake me up everyday, even though i DONT LIVE THERE WTF.

x_x why do i have to have so many sisters, and such a crazy ass family?

oh well, shopping makes me happy.
Saturday, October 7th, 2006
5:38 pm
GAAAH
So my mom yelled at me for not calling to ask how my dad was.
well sorry, i am gone from home 14 fucking hours a day.
i do love my dad, but I DONT HAVE  A GOD DAMN CELL PHONE OKAY. jebus.

on a lighter note,

i hate hyatt hotels :D I hate working there, but oh wells. the people at work are le cools.

and uh. yeah.

i need to go on a loli spending spree tonight.

I'm thinking bloomers, new petti, black mary janes, and a F+F dress.

<3 le love.
Wednesday, October 4th, 2006
3:53 pm
So, this week sucks
My dad has a massive heart attack and almost died.
Sammy died and has to be buried.
Tokyo looks sick, and is shedding.

and i get paid this week, but the check will be low
x_X

i need to buy things to make me feel better.. x_x

I think i;ll buy this purple lilac Innocent world dress.

Oh, and i'm working on creating a new loli website. I forgot what a pain in the ass webdesign is.

 
anywho, you can check out what is up now (BARE BONES - barely any content)  http://royaltea.cjb.netex

Excuse the popups, i'm working on getting rid of those.
Friday, September 29th, 2006
11:20 pm
Samurai is sick =(
Okay. I swear, everytime i have something new and exciting to do, it gets ruined.

I reallllly want to go to PMX, but my pet bearded dragon is pooping blood (ew) and now i have to take her to the vet. I love her to death. she is so cute, i realllly want her to be OK.

Hopefully the vet bill wont be to much so i can still fly out and what not.

and just for the hell of it, here are some random pictures.

Here is my baby, samurai, exploring her cage.



And here she is taking a bath ....



And being cute again...



Feel better sammy!

--- and some other random pictures, because i feel like posting...

          

       <----------- Me being a cam whore


My Fiance....dancing.....ugh...no.



And Tokyo, my pet anole:





Tokyo and osaka.....R I P osaka =(



The old lizzie cage from before My baby osaka died x_x, Now that is where sammy lives (with different crap in it)

oh and someone buy me this mini top hat =( i want it.



Thats all for now guys.....

Current Mood: blah
Tuesday, September 26th, 2006
2:42 am
PMX?
Okay everyone.

So i really want to go to PMX now.

because

A) I never get to travel
B) I'll finally meet a loli in person :O
C) I am a spoiled brat that much have what i want?

Hopefully we can get flights ironed out, after that i can secure a hotel room, and then con tickets.

I'm thinking me + boyfriend = 500 for tickets
Hotel = free (i sure hope)
Travel = 30 from airport, 30 to airport, and who knows how much around town
Food = ....i dont know?! alot?
Shopping - alotlot.

and i dont know.

i should prolly get on all this pronto.

cos i hate to get all hyped and then not go.

that would = teh suckzzz

PS. when booking a hotel room dont be a asshat and hang up on the operator (me). That is le rude. ...thats ALLLL people did tonight. wtfizzle.
Monday, September 18th, 2006
3:42 pm
New Loli stuff!
So, here is all of the new loli things I have ordered. I've gotten about half in mail, so excited for all of it to arrive!

+ Petticoat - F+F (in white)
+ Wig - Ebay
+ Crown - Katie Blairs petting zoo
+ Alice Bow - In the Starlight
+ Headbanded headdress - In The Star Light
+ JSK - f+f
+ Pink tiered skirt - F+F
+ White blouse with capelet - F+F
+ S/s blouse - F+F
+ White tights - walmart
+ black/black lace, white/white lace, black/white lace socks - Ebay
+ Platform Maryjanes - Ebay (demonia)
+ Pink OTK stockings in bows - Ebay



This is ordered in white!






























And i'm putting in more orders on friday, so yaaay.
Saturday, September 2nd, 2006
11:05 pm
My first enry, yay!
Introduction:

My name is Brittany. I live in nebraska.

I'm 18 and a freshman in college at the U of Nebraska at omaha. I'm majoring in secondary education.

I'm adopted, and have 12 sisters.

I love fashion, japanese culture, reading, learning, watching movies, and researching. I love the internet, i am fascinated with history. I am currently building a Amaloli wardrobe. <3 I think they are the most beautiful women i've ever seen. They can pull of anything, without a hint of cleavage, or a shirt skirt. they are daring and modest. I respect them alot.

I also love animals. i wish i had dogs, cats, and just about everything else. Currently I have 2 green anoles who are uber spoiled. I named them Tokyo and Osaka. Soon my Fiance, Jason, and i are going to be getting a bearded dragon. I am very excited.

In my spare time, i like to play with make up, and shop on the internet. I am part of alot of groups and communities on myspace, and am now hoping to be active in the LJ community. I think this shall be fun!

And i think that is about it for now.

everyone have a good night!

Current Mood: Gusto!
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